Deterministic Chaos — Why Hugh Freeze might be Luke Skywalker (with a slight drug problem) Part 1
In a galaxy far far away…… Hugh Freeze decides to take a chance
Small changes in any system may cause a vastly significant difference in the output. All of the chaos and mayhem that arise during a standard college football season tends to be forgotten every year as the playoff is determined. Since the birth of the BCS, and more specifically the college playoff, the best teams rise to the top and are chosen as the final 4. There has not been one instance where the regular seasons chaos prevailed to cause a controversial playoff predicament. In a vacuum, If you are an outsider looking in, you would probably think that college football is an orderly system with no risk or propensity to disruption……. what you don’t realize is that there are alternate and parallel universes that drive our college football chaos. Let’s take a look into that universe and why maybe… just maybe…. Hugh Freeze is equivalent to a coked out Luke Skywalker
In a galaxy far far away exists a man with a dream… a man who dreams of one day taking down the Empire of Alabama football. He paces back and forth in his kitchen, “but R2 I simply do not know if I can overcome the obstacles that exist at a premier powerhouse like Auburn.” R2, the droid who went to Sewanee for college but failed out ultimately due to a crippling cocaine problem, looks at the man and says, “I have no idea what you are talking about but Phish is playing in Tattoine next weekend and I hear the red rocks are sick.” The man curses softly to himself as he knows he must embark on this mission himself. He also looks at R2 the droid, who is wearing a faded grateful dead shirt, and wonders why he decided to room with a droid who spends all of his free time at The Ivy in Atlanta…..which is 10,000 light years away….Anyways…..
The man, who has just realized he is about to set off on a journey that might cost him everything, has a name. That name is Hugh Freeze. Hugh wonders to himself “just where in the heck should I start?”…….. he finally realizes the perfect place to begin……a place that is so desolate that it ranks lower than the state of Alabama in almost every category…… this place? Mississippi.
This place is centered in a poverty stricken area of this parallel universe where the only things left to offer are Barbour Jackets and recreational drugs. The first minute of being on campus, Hugh runs into a tall, friendly looking creature name Jar Jar Binks. Jar Jar proceeds to tell Hugh he should come to the Sigma Nu house and that if he ever wants any Xanax to text him. “My friends call me Bar Bar Binks haha.” Bar Bar is also wearing a grateful dead shirt….. curious…..
Hugh proceeds to follow Jar Jar back to his fraternity house, where Jar Jar begins to tell our friend of a prophecy…… JJ explains that in order for Hugh to take down the Empire, he must first realize his full potential. Hugh, barley being able to hear due to loud speakers blaring Widespread Panic, asks Jar Jar, “How do I go about finding my potential.” JJ then goes on to describe a small being that can train Hugh to unlock his potential use the power of the spread offense. Hugh then asks Jar Jar if it is cool if he borrowed his phone to call some hookers. Jar Jar, stunned, asks, “did you not listen to anything I said.” Hugh and Jar Jar to order some hookers and listen to Widespread Panic into the early morning hours.
Hungover, Hugh begins on his journey to find this small green little creature that will show him the way….. show him the way to take down the empire and restore peace to college football. Hugh proceeds to walk to the square to find this wise creature, he is told that he might be able to find him at a local hideout named, ‘The Library’. As hugh navigates his way through the smoke and grime, he sees a small green fellow picking the banjo in the back corner. Hugh approaches the beautiful being and asks, “ do you have what I seek?” the green being, while continuing to pick the banjo, says yep “its going to be $60 a gram.” “Jesus”, Hugh wonders aloud, does everyone in this universe do drugs and listen to jam bands?
Hugh goes on to explain to the green creature, who goes by Yoda, that no, he is not interested in drugs but rather trying to realize his true potential. Yoda proceeds to tell Hugh that the only way to Freedom, is through Liberty. Hugh, confused, asks the drugged out green creature “I literally have no idea what that means?” Yoda sighs and tells him to go to Liberty University, there, he will find his self. Hugh says “ok cool thanks, btw, do you mind if I get a bump and cheat on my wife?” Yoda tells him he has issues and waddles away back to his banjo corner…
While Hugh settles into Liberty, word comes of an aging emperor. The empire has shown weakness as it is reported that LSU has recently just upset the mighty empire. Silence……. Hugh knows what this means, he knows that there is a weak point in the death star and that if exposed properly, he can end the empire once and for all! He knows in order to do so, he must go inside the death star….. inside the state of the Empire. Hugh knows he must return to Alabama, but this time, as the Rebellions leader. Hugh must become Auburn’s head coach. Before doing so, he calls Yoda again and asks if he has any hookers around and Yoda tells him to stop calling him and blocks his number.
The Return of the Jedi begins…….
